Fathers, do not underestimate your power. You have the
ability to influence a young life without saying a word. Your child will be
watching your every move – studying your facial expressions and second guessing
everything you say, searching for hidden meaning. You are the number one man in
your child’s life at the beginning and although someone may someday take your
place, those formative years are extremely important.
Your son will shape his own identity in large part by
studying yours. He will try on your expressions, your habits and mannerisms to
see which ones fit and which do not. Some things he will consciously try to
mimic and other things will just happen organically, as a magical product of
genetics. He may walk like you, but will he share your weaknesses as well as
your strengths? Your relationship will
heavily influence whether your son matures into a man of character or whether
he struggles with personal failings all his life. There will of course be
myriad other factors shaping your son’s future, but they don’t diminish the
power of your influence.
You can’t determine every aspect of your child’s future by
your own behavior. But it is extremely important to watch not only what you
model in front of your child, but also what comes out of your mouth.
The relationship between a father and daughter is a
particularly special and powerful one. The way you relate to her will help her
to define her feeling of self-worth. Now if that isn’t a heavy load to bear, I
don’t know what is. I remember carefully examining everything my father said to
me in terms of my looks, my dress, my intelligence and my talent. He helped me
to grow into a confident, self-assured young woman, but he also provided a very
realistic perspective on where my challenges lie. A high school science teacher
for over thirty years, he told me, “you are smart in ways that will get you
nowhere in the world.” That was when I won top marks for English. I took it as
a compliment but I got the message. He just didn’t put the same value on
writing ability as he did on math or science.
He also treated my sister differently than he treated me. I’ll
never forget looking out the window and seeing him teaching her something about
the car. They were huddled together out there, under the open hood. When I
asked him later why he didn’t show me too, he said something like, “well Cathy
likes to learn how to do things on her own.” That one left me puzzled for a
while.
Dad didn’t say it often, but I knew he loved me. I knew this
because he looked forward to the time we spent together after school and seemed
disappointed when my part-time job wouldn’t allow me to do that anymore. He
joked about my boyfriends but I always knew he cared. He teased me regularly
about my hairstyles and wardrobe choices but in reality he was saying “I see
you.” That is all that really mattered. My mother, sister and I were never left
wishing he told us he loved us. He did that every day, by making us laugh, and
giving us his time and attention. My mom said Dad told her “I love you” on
their wedding day and “If it changes,” he said, “I’ll let you know.” He was a
man who chose his words carefully.
A Dad not only has the power to change the way his daughter
sees herself – he can also shape her choice in a future male partner. It is
only natural that we will choose someone who seems familiar. Someone who
reminds us of Dad. We do this without even knowing it and often don’t realize
it until something happens that makes the similarity obvious. What kind of man
will your daughter be choosing for herself, even subconsciously? Are you
teaching her that men are strong but sensitive, kind and generous? Or will she
be drawn to someone who reminds her of you but isn’t necessarily the best
choice in a life partner?
On this Father’s Day, as the daughter of a man who made me
feel treasured, loved and cherished (without words), I ask you to carefully
consider the influence you are having on your child’s life.
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