When we had sheep, horses and cattle keeping the thistles,
grasses and weeds down on the pasture were not a problem. But now that we have
no grazers amongst us, our property just beyond the house yard is looking
rather wild and unkempt. In my opinion, what we need is a goat. I may start a
campaign.
My campaign will not go unresisted. The Farmer has a
vendetta against goats, with good reason. When he was working in Manitoba for
the government he drove a rental car to various client farms. One hot day, he
left the windows down on his Kia to circulate the air. While he was inside
speaking with the property owner, a tribe of unruly goats took advantage of the
situation and climbed into his vehicle. They didn’t just scratch the exterior
of the car doors with their sharp little hooves on the way in the window. They
ate everything they could find on the inside.
When my husband (who was not my husband at this time)
returned to his car, he was amazed (among other emotions) to discover that his
briefcase had been chewed apart, and the contents had been reduced to crumbs.
Worst of all, the upholstery on the seats of the government-issued vehicle had
been ripped apart with tiny goat teeth and the stuffing eaten or thrown about
the car. One goat was still inside, gnawing on the coffee cup holder which no
doubt had added flavour from daily use.
The Farmer opened the door, grabbed the goat by the horns
and removed it from the vehicle. Then he sat down on his hollowed-out car seat,
slammed the door and drove away, vowing to never deal with goats again. This is
what I am up against.
The Farmer’s case against goats was compounded one day when
we visited friends who used to own them. Jennifer told us of when they had
guests over for a barbecue, and one man parked a shiny classic sports car in
the drive. Don’t worry; the windows were up….but the curious goats could not
resist the temptation to confront the other goats they saw reflected in the
gleaming exterior of the car. While the owner was enjoying a beer and burger on
the back porch, they quietly and repeatedly dented in the doors and side panels
of the circa 1968 Mustang. I think the man switched to whiskey after he saw the
damage.
But seriously. Goats would be perfect! They are much like
sheep in their temperament, only they are far more intelligent. They are quite
mischievous and get bored if you don’t provide items for them to play with,
climb on, chew and head-butt. So you build them ramps and plateaus and hiding
spots and leaping platforms. You give them chew-balls and tug ropes. You let
them be goats. Then you sit back and enjoy the show.
Our property beyond our half-acre of yard is basically
glacial moraine. It has huge rocks embedded in and protruding from the earth,
as deposited there centuries ago by a sliding glacier, apparently. This makes
it nearly impossible to cut the grass, even with a bush whacker. Those rocks
would destroy any equipment. Goats, however, would be thrilled. Fresh grass,
meadow flowers and thistles, and rocks to climb on! Heaven. And a happy goat makes
delicious milk, I’m sure. I wonder if I could figure out how to milk one.
Perhaps there is a YouTube tutorial on that…
I have launched successful campaigns in the past. The trick
is to let the Farmer believe getting a goat is his idea. We need two, because
one would be lonely. Also two would stand a better chance against a roaming
coyote, and they could keep each other warm in the winter.
This farm is pretty quiet without livestock. Our guests will
be bored while poolside this summer if they don’t have anything to watch and
comment on. Fergus the Golden Retriever can’t be a one-man show; that is
exhausting. And the turkeys, while entertaining, won’t be here for long!
This is my proposal. I think it’s fairly convincing. Goats
are entertaining, they provide milk (who knows – maybe I can even learn how to
make goat’s milk soap!) and they keep the weeds down so we don’t have to.
Wish me luck in my campaign. I’m goin’ in.
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