It’s normal to experience some symptoms of vernalagnia or
spring fever at this time of year. The longer daylight hours, warmth of the sun
and fresh scent of new growth in the air just make you want to get up and do
something. Some people cut their hair, redecorate a room or buy a new car.
Others quit their jobs, move to another city or leave their relationship.
Spring Fever can get quite dramatic.
I must confess, I have done most of these things, and yes, their
happening coincided with the arrival of spring. I do feel a sudden burst of
positive energy when the snow melts away and flowers begin to appear. It could
also have something to do with the fact that life is short, I’m not gettin’ any
younger, and my birthday is in spring. This year I am turning 50.
Someone asked me how it feels to hit the half century mark.
Well, it feels like any other birthday, really. I find myself taking a few
minutes to meditate on my life: my blessings, my failings, my leave-behinds.
Fifty years is a long time. It used to be “old.” I remember seeing a photo when
I was in my teens of a homely woman in horn-rimmed glasses and a stiff-looking
dress and being told she was forty. That image stuck in my head for a long
time. I remember someone else saying that after a certain age, most women just
“let themselves go.” I wondered what that meant. Did men also let themselves
go? And what happened when they did?
Honestly, for the first time in my life, I have got to say I
feel truly comfortable in my own skin. I feel good. I like this older version
of myself. She is more interesting. I do
my best to treat my body kindly, to stretch my limbs into action each morning
and into rest at night, but my sneaker-clad feet no longer pound the pavement
in an attempt to whittle myself down a size.
I slather on the sunscreen and moisturizer, drink tons of
water and try to limit fried foods and sugar…but life is too short to always be
on a diet. And I have a few friends who were extremely vigilant with their diet
and exercise, and they got cancer anyway. So I’m going to enjoy a glass of
wine, a fresh piece of bread and an exquisite slice of cheese once in a while.
The one thing that really seems to have changed now that I
am 50 is my professional outlook. I used to dream of becoming an acquisitions
editor at a big-city publishing house, or project manager at a top-notch marcom
firm. But I no longer have the desire to work long hours, even if it means a
big paycheque.
In some ways, I guess I missed the boat on that one. Like a
woman in her 40’s who suddenly realizes she has missed the window where she can
have children, I guess I have missed my opportunity to have a big career. And
you know what? That’s fine. I got married the first time when I was 19. I guess
I always had my focus trained on something other than my education and
professional life. Then it was being a young wife and mother. Now it’s heading
into retirement with my partner and best friend.
I missed Easter dinner on the weekend. I lay in bed with the
stomach flu, listening to thirty family members and friends laughing and
singing and telling stories over turkey, ham and all the trimmings. One by one
my daughters and friends popped in to check on me. As I lay there, listening, I
imagined them carrying on this weekly tradition without me some day. Not to be
morbid – but you never know what life will bring.
I am standing on the hill. On the downslope, I get to take
my husband to Europe, so he can see where his beloved Spaghetti Bolognese and
Valpolicella comes from. I can get more involved in my community, helping to
make change happen. I can write another book.
There will be dozens more Sunday dinners to host, family
weddings to attend and grandchildren to love.. Life is not what I imagined it
would be at 50 – but in so many ways it is far better than I ever dreamed. I’m
an Accidental Farmwife, outstanding in her field.
-30-
email: dianafisher1@gmail.com
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